Charlie Windsor

The campaign is up and running!

2010-04-10T00:13:00.001+01:00

2010-02-05T23:02:00.007Z

WE
CAN'T
GO ON
LIKE
THIS

Honestly, the bloody waiting for polling day is killing me. I can see that fat MP's pay cheque just out of reach, but some days I swear it's getting further away instead of closer. Oh well, I suppose all good things come to those who wait. At least when May rolls around there'll be at least one family lifted out of poverty, right? (Mine - geddit?) I see old Tarquin Pompous-Duffer had to cough up eleven grand in misclaimed expenses. That's a drop in the ocean to him. After all, he did claim about £80,000 for gardening didn't he? I wouldn't mind a slice of that kind of action, I can tell you, but those were the good old days when you could claim for a duck island or a mortgage you didn't have. I bet there'll be slim pickings in the expenses department by the time I rock up at Westminster - just my rotten bloody luck! You wait; I wouldn't be surprised if I have to rub along with just the basic salary. It's enough to make you weep, it really is.

Who would want to be an MP now?

2009-05-16T11:52:00.002+01:00

Well, me for a start. Even if they do tighten up the expenses system (the tight-fisted bastards!) I'm sure I'll do very well out of it when I am eventually elected to represent this rather down-at-heel hell-hole. Let's face it, if you have to up sticks and move your family down here from somewhere nice like Windsor to get a seat in the House of Commons there's got to be some kind of financial reward at the end of, hasn't there? I mean, Christ, I'm not doing the rounds of tedious dinners at the local Conservative clubs for the benefit of my bloody health, am I? No, I have spent quite enough time here amongst the yokels, I mean locals, thank you very much, so once I get elected you can be sure I'll be spending a lot more time in London, milking what's left of the expense account.

The essential problem is not the Tories paying one of their student sons for work they haven't done, or having their moat cleaned or fixing their tennis court or buying horse manure or dog food. Of course it isn't. These are all perfectly legitimate expenses that have been claimed by decent hard-working MPs in the course of doing their job, and I would never insinuate that my future colleagues on the right of the House are a bunch of toffee-nosed crooks - they are beyond reproach, every man jack of 'em. No, the real problem is that complete and utter bastard Brian Localbloke, buying a few bits of furniture for his rented flat. I mean, a wine rack! The snobby so-and-so. He's puts himself across as a man of the people, and now we find out he's up in London half the time drinking bloody wine (a big girl's drink) if you ever, and storing it horizontally at our expense. Anyone who votes for him at the next election should certified insane - I bet his flat hasn't even got a moat around it.

Now the whole lot of them are tarred. I went to a wedding this weekend and all anyone said was 'I bet you are looking forward to getting a place in the trough' - and who can blame them for thinking this? My reply was equally forthright. I said: "you're damn right - I intend to disappear up to London, keep my business ticking over, and just trouser the MP's salary, just like your last Tory MP did." Well, it didn't go down too well, but do I give a toss? Do I f***.

As usual I would like to hear from anyone who has any shit to fling at Brian Localbloke. Just give me or those helpful boys over at the Westphalia Express a call, and remember, it doesn't have to be factually accurate.

Could I also take this opportunity to request that people who ask me about my political opinions and those of my leader refrain from doing so? To be honest it's not my strongest subject and you're just wasting my valuable time. All you have to do is remember to put a cross next to my name when polling day come around - Christ, it's not rocket science, is it?

Pip pip!

This just gets worse and worse.

2009-03-01T15:51:00.005Z

I am, of course, referring to Home Secretary Jacqui Smith claiming £116,000 in 'second home' expenses. Yet another example of MPs getting caught with their noses in the trough. At this rate, by the time I am elected the bloody trough will be empty.

Now, I expect you're all wondering why I haven't posted anything since 11th February. Some of you will assume that I'm at my London flat, or off skiing, or that I've popped off to Tuscany to get some decent balsamic vinegar. Others among you won't give a flying fuck where I am or what I'm doing, and that's perfectly understandable - the Conservative Party is a broad church, and there is a place for you as well. Anyway, the honest truth is I've completely run out of things to say. My problem is this: Gordon Brown foolishly indulged in a bit of Tory free-market capitalism, and surprise, surprise, the country's gone to Hell in a handcart. Well, of course, the Labour people can all start saying it's time to revert to socialist principles. We Tories, on the other hand, actually believe in the capitalist system. Anyone who understands capitalism knows that its programmed to fail from time to time. How do I know that? Well, because Peter Oborne (political columnist of the Daily Mail and the Spectator, no less) said so. So I'm at a loss for words. Unless an opinion poll comes along PDQ for me to analyse I'm a bit buggered. If anyone knows of any dodgy stories about the Lib Dems please let me know ASAP. Thanks a lot. Toodle pip! Charlie

2008-11-07T08:27:00.003Z

I am delighted that Obama has won, and that Americans seem to have chosen someone prepared to challenge and change the status quo. It's always delightful when our closest ally turns its back on the traditional conservative values which have caused the worldwide financial crisis and moves to the left. This is truly excellent news for Conservatives here. And of course the similarities between Obama and David Cameron couldn't be more striking: they both went to Eton, both went to Oxford, both joined the exclusive dining society the Bullingdon Club and they're both white. Oh, wait a minute ... anyway, you get the idea, they're very very similar, like two peas in a pod really.

Having said that I can't help but wonder if the orgy of press coverage - especially from the BBC (who have covered this election and it's aftermath with more detail and for longer than they did our own election in 2005) is entirely justified, or necessary, or even terribly interesting. I mean, I know they still had racial segregation in the United States less than fifty years ago, so I suppose having an African American president is quite an important occasion, but for God's sake get over it. Change the record. Put the violins away. It's just typical of a quasi-Trotskyist organisation like the BBC to focus on this sort of tittle-tattle from the other side of the Atlantic when they know the real news is that I am going to win a seat at the next election, which will be the least I deserve after all the letters I've written, the comments I've given, the photos I've posed for and the insufferable old biddies I've had to sit next to at Tory dinners. Christ, I think I deserve a bloody medal, let alone a fat MP's salary.

And let's not forget the rampant success of the Glenrothes by-election either. Regular readers will know I am very fond of analysing polls especially when there is the merest suggestion that I might be heading for Westminster. David Cameron has said he's pleased to be up from fourth place to third, and I can only echo those sentiments. Third place is definitely where we want to be at this stage in the game. In fact, many people would consider the Conservative Party to be the natural party of third place. For those who aren't very good at maths, let me de-mystify the figures and explain just how good things are looking: we got 1,381 votes out of a total of 36,195. That's a whopping 3.8% of the votes cast. Of course, you have to take into account the fact that it's cold and miserable in Scotland, so anyone with a modicum of intelligence (i.e. Tory voters) has long since left. Of course, some deluded people are talking about a Brown bounce and the possibility of a spring election. Well, bring it on I say. That will give me plenty more polls to analyse, and give George Osbourne a chance to tap a few more Ruskies for some much needed election funds.

2008-10-16T16:47:00.007+01:00

BOOM and BUST

-it's in our genes

Well, well, aren't these difficult times? Just when I was banking on my big fat MP's salary, along comes a global credit crisis which throws everyone into a bit of a panic. Of course, the downside for the likes of yours truly is that rather than just analysing opinion polls about how many people are going to vote for me, I feel obliged to actually outline exactly what I think about the whole sorry mess.

First of all, what are my credentials? Why should you believe what I say? Well, I used to run a theme restaurant opposite Windsor Castle; it was a disaster, but I think you'll agree it gave me a wonderful insight into the world of global economics. Now, most respected commentators have traced the seeds of the current disaster back to the removal of controls in the financial sector which was started by Mrs Thatcher and continued by successive Tory and Labour governments. This kind of media propaganda is clearly a left-wing plot, and I wouldn't be surprised if Brian Localbloke didn't have a hand in it. Many people seem to misunderstand what the term 'free market' means. Some idiots think it relates to an economic system, which of course is crazy talk. No, 'free market' is nothing more than a euphemism for civil freedom. I expect a lot of you didn't know that. Well that's because I just made it up. Anyway, my point is that people need to be free to put their money in any bank they like, and those banks need to be equally free to tell them they can't have it back. That's the sort of freedom we all want. Those of you who are my age or older will no doubt remember what life was like before Mrs Thatcher allowed us to choose who we could buy our gas and electricity and water from. Grim times indeed. The old 'socialist electricity' was very unreliable and ruined most household appliances, and we all yearned to be able to buy private electricity and gas, and flush our toilets with private water. Thankfully Mrs T made that dream a reality, and now the energy companies are free to charge us what they like, and in doing so create massive wealth, which, of course, they are free to share with us, or share it among themselves if they prefer.

Now some of these barking mad lefties have suggested that it would have been better not to offer 125% mortgages to people who would have trouble paying it back, because it would result in spiralling house prices, negative equity and repossessions, but who wants to live a world with those kind of financial constraints? No, I'm all in favour of learning your lessons at the school of hard knocks. If your house gets repossessed it's because you are working class and should never have had one in the first place. Thankfully when these houses get repossessed there are still a few rich people around to buy them up cheaply when they don't reach their reserve price at auction. Remember - it is this freedom to speculate that is at the root of all of our wealth, although you might not immediately realise it as you hand your keys over and wonder where you're going to live. Human progress is sometimes a bit messy - take my own situation as an example - most of the time I can't even afford to use apostrophes.

Well, I'm sure these few examples will have illustrated what an excellent grasp I have of the situation and that I am well worth voting for. So, just to recap: it wasn't Tory greed and mismanagement that led to this situation, and the idea that you can have a fairer system that benefits everyone is just discredited communist nonsense. Rampant and unrestrained capitalism is by far the best system, it's just that every so often we have to stick our hand in our colective pockets and nationalise all the banks to keep everything running tickety-boo.

FAME AT LAST!

2008-09-16T23:40:00.002+01:00

Sir, Has anyone noticed the remarkable similarity between current Westphalia-on-Sea Tory stooge Charlie Windsor, and the short-lived monarch and Hitler chummy, Edward, Duke of Windsor? A true, blue bloodline if ever I saw one.
Anon
Via email

This one was submitted by one of my eagle-eyed readers. It looks like I'm a national phenomenon now; please let me know if you see any other mention of me in the print media - I have a large ego and it needs stroking from time to time.

HOORAY! I'VE WON THE ELECTION ALREADY!

2008-09-01T22:24:00.007+01:00

Well, bad news and good news this week folks. The bad news is that I seem to have made a teensy-weensy error of judgement when I described that spoof website as 'quite funny' and said 'I must admit it has made me laugh'. I now realise this is the work of Beelzebub himself, who seems to have 'a devil put aside for me', as the old saying goes. So please, no more logging on and reading that filth - it's nothing more than pornography for the eyeballs, and if you read it too much you'll all go blind for sure, and you're just encouraging these people. And I have it on good authority that the people who write it sit about on their backsides all day, living off a combination of the profits from under-age prostitution and crack dealing, and handouts from
the Taliban. Of course, it goes without saying that these people all vote Lib Dem, and don't care a fig about things like family values or wearing a blazer. Scum, I call them, and never done
an honest day's work in their lives, I shouldn't wonder. All
they ever do is write endless blogs illustrating the glaring inadequacies of my good friends who are doing their level best
to run Westphalia-on-Sea into the ground, when the real criminals are both in Westminster with fat salaries and cushy lifestyles. Gordon Brown and Brian Localbloke, of course. Guantanamo Bay would be too good for that pair. Anyway, don't get me started.

And now to the good news. Which is actually pretty bloody spectacular news. We can finally started discussing potential jobs for Brian Localbloke after I 'whup his ass' at the next General Election. Yes, it's official, I am going to win. All the polls indicate that without a shadow of a doubt he and his party are completely crap, so the election and the MP's salary is in the bag - or my arse pocket, to be precise. Yes, while Dr Pangloss is still trying to get his casino built, my full house will beat Localbloke's two pairs, and it will be winner takes all. The pot will belong to good ol' Charlie. The best old Localbloke can hope for is a crack at Pangloss's job - well, good luck with that old man. One thing's for sure - I won't be poking my nose into Westphalian issues, oh no. You won't see me for dust. I'll be up the old M4 like a rat up a drainpipe. Be able to buy a place back in Windsor. Only forty minutes into Paddington from there - change at Slough, naturally, but I'll be in first class, away from the riff-raff, so once again, in life, I will win. The bloody blue-rinse brigade won't bother me up there, and I'll be far too busy to spend time in the constituency. God, it's hard not to be smug when you're as blessed as I am.

Game, set and match to Mr Windsor.

CAPTION COMPETITION WINNER

2008-08-20T00:29:00.001+01:00

Thanks to B. Localbloke of Eastphalia and Westminster for this week's winning entry.

This made me laugh til I messed myself

2008-08-19T23:28:00.002+01:00

Someone has been very busy creating a very good spoof of my blog and I must admit it has made me laugh, but not too much, mind. Wouldn't want anyone thinking I had a sense of humour or anything (nothing to worry about there, Ed). My wife had a look and said rather wryly 'someone thinks you're a Johnny-come-lately and a bit of a twat'. Oh how we both laughed. Of course this is connected to the previously referred to Torbay blog which has caused such amusement in political circles with it's crazy crumbling-rockface-casino-in-a-balloon-parking meters-and-private-beaches-who's-that-consultant-running-off-with-my-council-tax? storyline. Most of the locals have decided that the author(s) of this nonsense are the Tory Mayor and his sorry bunch of yes-men. Although this is (fairly lamely) denied by them it is clear that they are in fact behind everything because they aren't even very good at lying.

2008-07-29T14:05:00.004+01:00

Can I really go on like this for another two years?

The weekend saw me in France on a short holiday so apologies to all those who have been missing their regular dose of insightful political commentary from yours truly Monsieur Windsor. I must say I was chuffed to bits when I saw that two people had left comments for me - it makes it all worthwhile when I know that you are both reading my words of wisdom. Anyway, where was I? Oh yes, can I go on like this for another two years, pointing out that Gordon Brown is a big fat dickhead? Well, clearly I can. I know there are those of you out there who might say the trouble with Brown is that he's been following a Tory economic agenda with all that disastrous PFI stuff in schools and hospitals, but my answer to that is simple - what's it got to do with me? Look, I've uprooted my family to come and live in this crumbling excuse for a tourist resort, and for the first time I can actually start to believe that I will be an MP with an MP's salary and expense account, so cut me a little slack here. You lot don't know what I've been through: tedious meals with the blue-rinse brigade and church fetes where everyone tells me they want Mrs Thatcher back is only the beginning. I've had to write endless letters to the Westphalia Express and turn up for the most pointless photoshoots. I've made these sacrifices and I want the prize, so you bet I can keep this up for another two years.

OPENESS OVER EXPENSES - A CLARIFICATION

2008-07-18T23:07:00.004+01:00

Goodness me, I seem to have opened up a can of worms over my drive for openess regarding the expense claims of MPs. It appears that many people have completely misunderstood the focus of my campaign for openess, so let me make my position crystal clear: I shall continue to bang on about Labour and LibDem politicians, but will completely ignore the affairs of leading Conservatives. At first glance this may seem a little unbalanced, but you must understand that it is my dearest wish to become a Tory MP, and I simply can't bite the hand that might one day feed. I don't feel I can criticise such a senior Member of Parliament such as Mr Pompous-Duffer. Or Derek Conway for that matter. Or Giles Chichester. Of course people say "But Charlie, you criticise Gordon Brown, and he's the most senior MP of all," but I point out that he's a Labour MP, and therefore doesn't count. I'm sure this will clarify my logical train of thought. The Conservative Party are the natural party of government, and as such are an honest bunch of blokes from public schools who are utterly trustworthy and beyond reproach. If they don't want to disclose their expenses that's because they don't want to waste the public's valuable free time having to read boring columns of figures which might make people jump to the wrong conclusions. No, keeping their expense details a secret is a completely selfless act, and the public should give them the credit they deserve. And anyway, why are we even discussing the expenses of Tory MPs when Brian Localbloke is running around Westphalia-on-Sea ripping out the kidneys of local constituents with a rusty penknife and selling them on the black market to fund his own crack habit? Honestly, when will you people wake up and stop voting for him?

BEWARE THE ANTICHRIST

2008-07-10T20:28:00.004+01:00

When I go around meeting local people and try to understand their funny accents I am constantly amazed how many of you seem to think Brian Localbloke, your current MP, is a decent fellow who is working on your behalf. He isn't. He is the devil incarnate. He was born in Eastphalia, for God's sake - what more proof do you need? I have personally seen his head swivel right round as he spewed green bile all over unsuspecting constituents. As if that wasn't enough, he also claims obscene amounts of taxpayers' money from the government, in what he conveniently describes as his 'salary'. When will you all come to your senses and stop voting for him? That money belongs in my pocket.